Abandoned.

OH.

MY.

G.

How long has it been? One entry for the month of March?! Guys or girls or gays reading this blog I would accept any punishment as long as it involves ice cream. Well, seriously though... One entry for March and that was my birth month! Gosh! How busy have I been on that month? And having left too many "blank days" (as I would call the skipped pages on my dated journals) on this blog could mean officially calling it... Abandoned Blog. 

What good would my sorry do for? :( But really, I am so very sorry if I've been very boring in the past few weeks. When things like these happen, it could only be because of two things and it's either: Too many things are going on in my life OR Nothing at all (as in zit) is happening in my life. The latter would somehow be a lie though because stressing out on what to eat the minute I wake up is already a happening, right? Or wouldn't you agree?

So... what now? I've already turned 2* (for security reasons, I'd rather not divulge my age ;)) and on the very day of my birthday, on that very morning I was too stressed out I could've broke down if Tim wasn't there to keep me from falling. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have plans. I couldn't imagine nor plan anything lovely for my birthday. I only wanted to take some days off from work, enjoy some time with myself, read some books for inspiration, watch all the movies that I have downloaded, just hang around channel surfing on the TV, go out with friends for one night - just really ordinary stuff, nothing grand. Then came everybody asking me what I'd do to celebrate my birthday and it was like water being splashed to my face while I were sleeping! And I was like, I'm going to be 2*! I've got to celebrate it! So the whole week I did. Each day and night with different groups of friends and it was really fun! The longest and most fun birthday celebration I've ever had. I am very thankful that my friends, family, and Tim were very supportive and proactive in celebrating birthday. It made all the difference and spending it with the people close to you and who shares the same affection as what you have for them is just the most important thing and the only thing that I'd ever want today, later... even tomorrow.

I wanted to give you a full account of the celebration that I've had, but I don't have all the photos in here... I might just have to update you later on that. And just so you know, the first half of the year is NOT my time - I get sickly, I get into a writer's block, and I get sooo anxious I feel like strangling myself  and shut my thoughts out for over-speeding. 

your friend from outer space,

~tSin

P.S.

I got a haircut :) More on a trim and then some bangs though.

I need a train to Dubai or wherever.

I Am an Animal Trapped in Your Hot Car

Oh God! Forgive me for I do not know where I am going.

Sometimes, I'd wake up in the middle of the night thinking - out of nowhere - what I ever got to do with my life. 

I've been pressured to do the right things...

I've been pushed to my limits...

I've sacrificed some just to fulfill...

MY DREAMS.

And funny enough, I don't even know what my dream really is.

Or what I want to do with my life.

I'm too good in telling people to be patient, to pray, to follow their hearts, and telling them that good things do come to those who wait. But I could hardly do that myself. Makes me think that it's never as easy to practice what you preach because we definitely got different roads to travel and choices to make. 

I am a ghost in a ghost town.

I don't want too much.

I only want to travel the world - probably 50 cities or more before I could reach 50.

I want to have enough money to spend on the things that I merely want, not just need.

I want to teach, but I honestly don't want to go back to school anymore. I'm afraid of the thesis.

I really, really, am afraid of it. How silly of me!

I want my papa and mama to be better. To get well from whatever illness that's got them.

I want to be stable - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I want to move on and completely forget the past - I need those darkened episodes to be erased from my memory.

I want to stop blowing off smokes of negativity.

I want to be myself and not be sorry for it.

I want to inspire people, touch their lives and make a difference.

BUT...
I am too lazy.

I am a coward.

I am too afraid to reach out and also to open up.

I don't want too much, yes. But as you can see I could really ask too much.

Gah! If only Google Maps could show me where I should go to exactly...

It would be way, way easier... wouldn't it?

Anyhoo...

Let me leave you with this before I drown myself more into the perils of my eternal conundrum on this subject.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

~in thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

I got this from Paulo Coelho's tweet. And I was like... "WHOAH! Perfect timing!"

Tomorrow, I shall know what I am doing in this world.
If not tomorrow or if not ever...
I am definitely hoping that I have done at least one thing in my life that pleased God.

sucking it up,

~tSin

What Has Been Keeping You Busy, Tsin?

P A R R O T S


it's work related.


and daym! haven't really started anything just yet... next week's going to be next week. with or without our task being completed :(

and i am just

quite, quite, quite

F R U S T RA T E D


the sea will be a good getaway... tonight,

~tSin

My Blanket Has BIN Washed Clean

Here's an account of my weekend life in a bloglet :p

SATURDAY:

~Lunch date at the winery with the Gerali family.

A treat for our 27th. Hahah! The original plan was to eat at STK Ta Bay! in the Fuente area, after almost fifteen minutes of trying to locate the place... Much to our surprise the Ubec food haven is... CLOSED! We had to brave the noon traffic to go to the next best thing... The Lhuillier's cozy restaurant: PINO which is located in Lahug. Lunch all you can eat buffet is at Php298 and dinner is at Php300++, forgive me but my memory failed to register the price! And if you ask me why dinner is a bit more expensive than the lunch buffet... I'd tell you it's prolly because of the L E C H O N :D Anyhoo, I really like the place aside from the food the staff are really very polite and hospitable! They always see to it that you leave the place with a very wonderful experience to show off to your friends. And because of this I didn't regret spending any of my peso at all! Uhm, not that I even spent a peso on that lunch. It was all for free! Thanks to my ever generous Boyfriend ♥

And guess who came with us to lunch? Oh yeah! LJ dearie in her pedal pj's (because she's grown much the past months!) enjoyed very much all of the attention the waiters gave her. She was definitely a princess that day. She loves it, I could feel!

SUNDAY:

Ahh... Sunday was blah :| Well, except that I spent the morning at Church with Tim's family and the rest of it at their place helping him out with his "familial obligations" (as he would like to put it.) Believe me, it was all a piece of cake and I really love hanging out with these wonderful people! :) So... I take that back. Sunday wasn't very blah actually! :p Lunch is always heavenly at their abode with the Sunday special dish: Talisay Lechon! Yum-yum-yum! :) Although I could only pig out on the skin and the juicy fruit part -- I really don't know what that part is called so I made that up since it perfectly resembles it!

~me and Lique2x, from one of our swimming sessions :)

Sunday night was spent hanging out with my sis Lique2x. Where we hung out? Right there on the bed that we share since we were toddlers... Make that a hand-me-down bed from our parents. We stayed awake for a couple of hours more past our bedtime just to simply catch up with each other, to share ideas on how to stay fit and to talk about our plans for Christmas. It felt good to be talking with her again. It has been sooo long!

MONDAY:

I woke up very early so I could catch a worm! Well, lo and behold! I did catch some hundreds! And off to the voting station my sister and I went to give our approval to those who we think should lead our lovely little barangay into prosperity :)

~ako ang simula ng pagbabago ;)

After casting our most wanted votes we went straight to the city to spend our "election presents". I think Elections season is already my favoritest holiday right next to Christmas. *sniggers* Sister dearie and I bought ourselves goodies: a shirt, a tube top, cleansing face masks, a pink nail polish, and some other skin care products. I enjoyed hanging out with my sister, it has been a very long time as well since the last time we ever went out, get girly, and check out all the cool stuff that we could find at the mall and taking mental notes of them so we could save up in time before they all run out or ransacked from the SALE rack. I did miss her while we were busy going on about our lives. I am hoping that we'll have more days to spend with each other... and I wouldn't mind just talking with her. I wouldn't mind traveling with her, too. I realized we haven't traveled together yet. So maybe I'll bring the topic up and wait for her to go with me :) Or better yet, coerce her into going with me! Hahaha...

Moving on... After getting a good five or four hours of sleep... Time for work finally came and I was very much looking forward to have my starry blanket wrapped snugly around me again. I was excited by the scent of it the moment I got it out of the plastic from the laundry's counter. But now that it is finally with me - wrapped snugly... I'm not sure if I am very happy at all by the scent of it! :| The smell of the detergent is too strong for my sensitive nose and the migraine, which commenced earlier today right after spending about a couple of hours under the sun's heat just to cast my vote for people I barely even know at all, has suddenly skyrocketed to some horrifying level :| But surely, I will survive the day. I will. And I'm not done yet with the laundry part... they totally screw my name!!! My jaw dropped to the floor (exaggerated, of course) when I saw my name scribbled on the plastic very, very wrongly. It read:


Bin?! Whoever is Bin! No Sirs and Madams... I am definitely not a part of the "BIN laden" clan. Nada. Who's at fault? Idk. I prolly didn't write my name legibly so they had to make up some funny names like... BIN! As for now... I have tossed the starry blanket into my drawer because my nose couldn't bear the scent of it just yet :( I hope the drawer will suck in all the strong annoying detergent scent!

Oh Monday and ancient times,

~tSin

The Dread.

The bag was packed:
a pair of running shoes,
a floral handkerchief to dry the sweat,
a pair of navy blue work-out shorts
a mind set to run.

But when I got there my knees quivered as though it was my first day in school and I felt like vomiting by the site of people running past me. I felt like I got stuck inside a horror booth and all of them runners zooming here and there were part of the horror show! Good grief! I never ever had the guts to run at all :| *sniffs* But I will. I will. I will.

Because I finally found my running shoes! Picture to follow! :)

feeling really fat,

~tSin

Entering the Short-Fused Days NOT in a ZOOM!

Here's one of those days when my mind is over flooded with things that I could write but couldn't because of a) lack of time b) limited internet access and c) because I'm short-fused all of a sudden.

The last reason... you'll probably know it's all part of the dreadful PMS. I have this almost every month and hopefully not way too many as the normal! A friend of mine had this conversation one day on anger and depression and how to manage them successfully altogether. We ended up asking...

"How can a woman never avoid PMS when you know you're going straight into that direction anyway? Wouldn't it be too simple to just take a detour and be the pretty sweet little miss that you usually are?"

Oh pretty good Lord, give us an answer so I could learn to get rid of this entirely! I really feel bad right now. I've snapped unreasonably at The Boyfriend and I feel sorry for doing so :( Well, I hope he's having a fun time with his BFF and I hope he isn't thinking about me so he could forget what I've done tonight and everything will be alright. I hope.

MILK?

better off alone for a while,

~tSin

I'll accept with poise with grace when they draw my name from the lottery.

The district sleeps alone tonight
after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into
the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
-The Postal Service, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

07.01.09 | 04:13:18 | kill time

I really don't feel like writing much today. I don't know. You can't ask me why. There is nothing to tell. Really. Probably, cuz I woke up at the wrong side of the bed? And my hair's all frizzled and dry and flying away in all directions! Plus, the guilty nagging feeling of me being not enough to my friends, my family, my colleagues, and my boyfriend. :'( Hmmm.. How can I possibly make this life MORE worth living? I'm not really complaining. I'm happy the way I am despite the fact that these days I'm mostly always out of cash. No more shopping for dresses and shoes now all of the time when I terribly need a new one! I can't even go out and eat ice cream or buy chips at any time. OH! HOW I CANNOT WAIT FOR AUGUST TO COME! Why? 1) It's Gossip Girl Season 3; 2) I'd probably be loosening my payables; 3) It's my mum's birthday on the 6th! I could hardly wait, not really excited. Nah.

I miss hanging out with my girls and staying up late and drinking (and getting drunk? err... probably, not yet?), I would really want to try that Gilbey's beer with green tea. ;p My boyfriend told me he hopes I get back to who I used to be before: INDEPENDENT. I wonder what he really meant by that. I'm not sure. It boggles my mind until now and saddens me a little bit. I wonder what made him say that, too. I can't see how I become dependent of him so suddenly - if he really meant of him. Oh well... *breathes* I guess it's time for another introspection? No. Not like those crazy days. Uh-uh! Never again - I SWEAR!

So, I'll leave you with this picture right here with a description of the "LOVER". Could that be a perfect description? Yes? How about someone who's happy to see their other one happy? Uh... too cheesy, I should say.





someone motivate me,
-tSin

I Ain't Doing The Caffeine Dance.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Know that maybe I will be ok
~Ingrid Michaelson, Be Ok

06.25.09 | 01:37:06 | break free

my very own cup of coffee:
1 tsp of coffee, 3 tsps of cream 4 tsps of sugar
my own dose of what they often call the "sugar-rush"
whenever they get those chocolates melting in their tongues.
wake up then pick up.

Disappointing *sigh* because sometimes I could blabber nonsense, could type words that are not thought of well enough and eventually, I end up hurting or upsetting people who are really close to me. Sad. Sometimes I would rather want to leave and fly somewhere else... Not that I would want to be away from the people I care about and really love, too... It's just that I feel that they'd be better off without me and that I'd be better off becoming a nomad and not be attached to anything or anyone. Sheesh. If my doctor gets the chance to read this he'd probably strangle me! What's the use of his mood stabilizers if I'm all the same? Talking about walking out and leaving... more like dying worse, suicide as he would interpret. I could just imagine the look of disbelief on his face! Disbelief because basically, he knows that there are some things that I'm not ready (or never ever will) to tell him just yet. And he'd be like, I knew it. Right. He'd be too late or not. Whatever. Although I'm really thankful for my doctor for being as patient as he could be with me. Well with a job like his he would really need a hundred percent of that virtue to deal with all of his patients and more than that to deal with me. Pathetic? Yeah, I am. Pooh!

Yes, sometimes, it seems like between the fight and flight response: flight is more of a better option. Although on one side of the coin it might look selfish, but I would beg to disagree. As I've already said I'd rather my friends and family be off without me than I continue being with them and just ruin their lives in the long run. :( I mean I'm ok with people pestering me. I'm ok if they choose not to be friends with me anymore. I'm ok if some people wouldn't like me, that would be their choice and I'm not the type to coerce people into swooning on me! What I couldn't bear though is knowing that I have angered my friends and lose them. I couldn't bear seeing my siblings being upset with me just because I don't have enough funds to help them with school. I couldn't bear staying with colleagues who are disappointed with how I perform at work (cuz I could really look like someone who is all play and no work - I'm not. I swear!). I couldn't bear seeing my parents' pain because I've failed to take them out of our unluckiness (what word!). So I would rather pack my bags and leave and work somewhere else than do more damage.

Should I? Nope. That wouldn't be too practical... From where I am today, right now, like this moment, it would be best I just ignore the negativities of this world and go on with life like nothing happened. Live it as though I've never been through pain and almost crossing the delicate and thin line of sanity and insanity. Yeah, I should go right ahead and do that and cut the long talk. HUSH! What are plans? It's time for the fallback. I have dreams. I have a future. Let the critics be happy with what they're doing. Let the liars forever be the liars. Let me live my life as I want it. Let me.

I'm so sorry for the whining, this must be because of me drinking coffee when I'm not supposed to. Grh. Droop the night away, shall we?

~BACKTRACK~

the balloon with the stars! amazing!
this was my "welcome back!" balloon - that
time I finally told myself I had to go back.
amazing cuz of the stars! i just love it!
thanks to my dearest friends from Dispatch!

AND MORE STARS!!!
(from Tim's niece's crib -- such a beauty!)

here is Tim's niece, LJ.
4 more days and she'll be 11 months!
funny and adorable and smart kid!
i just love her! ♥

I painted my nails candy-like over the weekend.
too bad I ran out of that neon pink nail polish! :(
i had to color the lot of them with shades of purple and pink!


♥
11th on the 23rd! hoorah!

Other stuffs that I'm up to right now:


Listening to Taking Back Sunday (will never have enough of them!)

Reading Steve Berry's The Amber Room and Haruki Murakami's After Dark.

And I will be watching the movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen later today with Tim and RV! Yay!


-tSin

Saturday the 13th

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love
-The Cure, Friday I'm In Love

06.13.09 | 06:45:22 | and why not?


Blue skies. Feathery clouds. The sound of cars beeping and humming slowly as they pass by the building. Laughters from across the room. It's Saturday! I'm still at the office, not stuck and not complaining but exploiting the company's resources. Sheesh. What guilt! But I can't help it! The act of internet browsing whether networking, checking out on friends through Facebook, gossiping (oops!) or just plainly browsing is a perfect stress reliever!

So it's Saturday and what am I up to? Guess what? It's not very boring... thanks to my ignorance! Haha! Oh well, I finally got my Twitter account. And I'm now practicing on that like almost seriously! Following for now only three people cuz I'm still not so sure as how that stuff really works. Aside from the Twittering I'm also checking on some news - the same old ones they can't even pass up as "news" anymore. They can also get painfully boring they lead me to snooping on some Hollywood star's ass instead. Not really my kind of thing, but sometimes I've just got to do something different. Doing the same thing all over again could kill somebody in the head so to say. The highlight of my weekend would probably be my going back to hanging out and chilling. It's going to be a busy Saturday for me today. I'm gonna meet up with friends (whoopee!) and I couldn't wait to catch up!

This should be this for now. I'm sorry for the gobbledygook. My mind's just not working clearly right now. I've got to get that internet connection back - ASAP!


-tSin