I Ain't Doing The Caffeine Dance.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Know that maybe I will be ok
~Ingrid Michaelson, Be Ok

06.25.09 | 01:37:06 | break free

my very own cup of coffee:
1 tsp of coffee, 3 tsps of cream 4 tsps of sugar
my own dose of what they often call the "sugar-rush"
whenever they get those chocolates melting in their tongues.
wake up then pick up.

Disappointing *sigh* because sometimes I could blabber nonsense, could type words that are not thought of well enough and eventually, I end up hurting or upsetting people who are really close to me. Sad. Sometimes I would rather want to leave and fly somewhere else... Not that I would want to be away from the people I care about and really love, too... It's just that I feel that they'd be better off without me and that I'd be better off becoming a nomad and not be attached to anything or anyone. Sheesh. If my doctor gets the chance to read this he'd probably strangle me! What's the use of his mood stabilizers if I'm all the same? Talking about walking out and leaving... more like dying worse, suicide as he would interpret. I could just imagine the look of disbelief on his face! Disbelief because basically, he knows that there are some things that I'm not ready (or never ever will) to tell him just yet. And he'd be like, I knew it. Right. He'd be too late or not. Whatever. Although I'm really thankful for my doctor for being as patient as he could be with me. Well with a job like his he would really need a hundred percent of that virtue to deal with all of his patients and more than that to deal with me. Pathetic? Yeah, I am. Pooh!

Yes, sometimes, it seems like between the fight and flight response: flight is more of a better option. Although on one side of the coin it might look selfish, but I would beg to disagree. As I've already said I'd rather my friends and family be off without me than I continue being with them and just ruin their lives in the long run. :( I mean I'm ok with people pestering me. I'm ok if they choose not to be friends with me anymore. I'm ok if some people wouldn't like me, that would be their choice and I'm not the type to coerce people into swooning on me! What I couldn't bear though is knowing that I have angered my friends and lose them. I couldn't bear seeing my siblings being upset with me just because I don't have enough funds to help them with school. I couldn't bear staying with colleagues who are disappointed with how I perform at work (cuz I could really look like someone who is all play and no work - I'm not. I swear!). I couldn't bear seeing my parents' pain because I've failed to take them out of our unluckiness (what word!). So I would rather pack my bags and leave and work somewhere else than do more damage.

Should I? Nope. That wouldn't be too practical... From where I am today, right now, like this moment, it would be best I just ignore the negativities of this world and go on with life like nothing happened. Live it as though I've never been through pain and almost crossing the delicate and thin line of sanity and insanity. Yeah, I should go right ahead and do that and cut the long talk. HUSH! What are plans? It's time for the fallback. I have dreams. I have a future. Let the critics be happy with what they're doing. Let the liars forever be the liars. Let me live my life as I want it. Let me.

I'm so sorry for the whining, this must be because of me drinking coffee when I'm not supposed to. Grh. Droop the night away, shall we?

~BACKTRACK~

the balloon with the stars! amazing!
this was my "welcome back!" balloon - that
time I finally told myself I had to go back.
amazing cuz of the stars! i just love it!
thanks to my dearest friends from Dispatch!

AND MORE STARS!!!
(from Tim's niece's crib -- such a beauty!)

here is Tim's niece, LJ.
4 more days and she'll be 11 months!
funny and adorable and smart kid!
i just love her! ♥

I painted my nails candy-like over the weekend.
too bad I ran out of that neon pink nail polish! :(
i had to color the lot of them with shades of purple and pink!


♥
11th on the 23rd! hoorah!

Other stuffs that I'm up to right now:


Listening to Taking Back Sunday (will never have enough of them!)

Reading Steve Berry's The Amber Room and Haruki Murakami's After Dark.

And I will be watching the movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen later today with Tim and RV! Yay!


-tSin