The Neurotic Need for Affection & Approval

Take a bow
Pack on powder
Wash 'em out with buzzing lights
Pay an audience to care
'Impress me' personality
-Incubus, Talk Shows On Mute


--we can't always please everyone--

I should be sleeping. I should be in dreamland. I shut my eyes, but then seconds later I decided I should write. I wrote something beautiful 3 days ago... when I checked it last Sunday it was gone. My heart broke. It isn't everyday that I can write something that will ever make sense and it frustrates me -- knowing that I've found something good only to have lost it. It wasn't time then. Possible. So what now? SOON cannot be NOW? When then? I can't waste any time because I only have enough.

It is crazy how people can become so evil, how someone you thought you can trust can betray you with just words that would so ruin your being, how some people can never seem to appreciate somebody's sacrifice, how some of us could easily wish we are somebody else, how some people can love too much as though they own that person, how some couldn't care more, how some would think that we live in a perfect world without the slightest flaws, how someone could give so much attention for just one person and neglect the rest of the world. The world is in a fiasco and nobody even cares. Everyone is just too caught up with themselves. I wish I can save the world. That's funny. I can't even save myself.

Or perhaps it would be better to say, I can't save myself because I don't even know who I am. They say that the only time we can accept ourselves is when we finally know who we really are (maybe, what we are truly made of?) -- I guess that would be a long run for me. Ever notice? It's much easier for us to help others than to help ourselves. We neglect our very own needs, desires, emotions because we are afraid to admit that they exist in us. And that if we ever acknowledge it people might reject us. We all want to please everyone so we forget ourselves. In forgetting ourselves we expose ourselves to a more grave threat of rejection. People are just people. We can like somebody so much right this very minute and abhor them the next just because of one mistake -- and sometimes we don't even allow them to explain. So there. End of story. You try to move on. And then the cycle just goes on.

On the contrary, people can also become very selfish. We want the world to know we are important. So some would go for fame, influence, diamond escapes, power, immortality, and all the stupidity that can make man feel like He is more than God. This scares me a bit. I hope one day people will realize that the sun doesn't only rise and set for one, but for 68,248,436,892 (and counting) others.

Life is a gamble. You can win. You can lose. You just have to play hard. You have to put in mind that all of us are obligately interdependent with each other. We can never live alone. So stop living like you are in Jupiter because even Jupiter has its own set of creatures.

-tSin