Five Minutes to Comply

I feel so out of sync with all of the many things that is robbing me of breath! Oh you don't want to know! I've turned into a major complaining and whining machine! So here's a breather...

The 6th Day is for a letter to a stranger. It could be any random stranger... Yessss!

And I wanted to show off a really lovely top I bought from the lovely Zandra Len, but my five minutes just ran out. Til the next quick post my dearies! *kisses*

thunder,

~tSin

P.S.

I am very sorry that it's taking me longer than the supposedly 30 days that I should be finishing this :| Terribly sorry my dearies! Just have been really busy, busy, busy! I think November is not going to spare me! S.O.S!

Sometimes When I Sleep I Wish I'd Never Wake Up

photos randomly picked from random sites in Google Images :)

Because in my dreams I am the hero of every story told and even if I die in my sleep I could just start a whole new dream altogether.

Of course the real world is still a lot better despite the fact that we don't always get what we want right here, but in the end we'll realize that all the tough rides and miserable wanderings are all worth everything.

click on photo for a LARGER view!

Finally, I am done with day 5 - Letter to Your Dreams! After a very, very long time of procrastinating! There goes my masterpiece... or not! Be my judge. I've added some kindergarten drawings on my writings. I love doodling! But this art definitely doesn't love me as much! :|

click on photo for a LARGER view!

Like any other normal kids, I've had too many dreams and ambitions when I was just a kiddo who knew nothing but spend scorching hot afternoons in the blazing midday sun, chasing boys for a game of tag, and sculpting mud! instead of listening to Granny's advice of taking a long relaxing siesta. Hahaha! What past-time activity did I seriously have back then? Well, it was a really fun childhood though.

Going back, I won't reiterate any further or compose a novelette at all because I really don't want to bore any of you at all. I'll just give you a list here of all the things and people I wanted to be while I was growing up:

1. A Writer. I couldn't remember exactly when I started to write things but I think that I've been writing since the day I came out of my mother's womb! I've had tons and tons of diaries most of which are filled with feelings, feelings, and feelings and dismay for boys who never noticed me at all. I get goosebumps when I reread them now... they're too cheesy! I don't want to admit at all that it was me who ever wrote them!
   
2. A Cyclist. And I don't know which came first my dream to become a writer or to be a cyclist. I grew up watching my dad in his mountain bike with really tight bike shorts and super cool looking helmets and the perfect cycling shades! You can refer on my older post and you'll see I've biked since I was like three although the photo might show that I'm like five there already, but I did start riding those makeshift bikes for kids who doesn't know how to balance yet. I was in love with biking and it's sad though that I couldn't even remember anymore the last time I've pedaled - fast and hard. Phew.
3. A Flight Attendant. I used to call them just "stewardess". Well, that was how they were called before, right? But I've long given up on this dream ever since the day I found out that I could no longer grow another inch taller!
4. A Ballet Dancer. Aside from sculpting mud, I also do cartwheels on our Carabao grass-covered front yard. And whenever I get tired of walking - as in plain walking - I walk on tiptoes. So sometimes, yeah, I'd like to think that if my parents sent me to ballet school I could've been a dancer and a very good one.
   
5. I Wanted to be Robin Padilla. Because his outfit really looked sooo cool! And his bad-ass look is just stunning! Believe me, I've had acid washed denim vests... and those bandanas he wear around his head to complete the bandita look. Heheheh! I just love him and even now that's he's married Mariel -- he still remains to be my all time Filipino artista crush! And the ultimate one!
6. A Geneticist. Influenced mainly by that book of John Darnton - The Experiment. It surely is a must read and one of my favoritest books ever!
7. A Psychologist. No particular field. I just wanted to be one because I wanted to deal with people. I don't know how or why I even bother to want to get paid to listen to humans whine and complain when I can surely do this for free... to friends.
8. A Clinical Psychologist. Because I didn't want to end up as a Human Resource personnel. Maybe I could handle interviews and trainings BUT NEVER computing salaries and benefits. No way.
   
9. A Wanderer or Traveler. I want to see the world and experience the culture, taste the food, and discover the type of music that they have in every country, city, or town.
10. A Violinist or Pianist. Just because
11. A Housewife. Who will always be there for her kids whenever they call. Who would cook breakfast, lunch, dinner and even snacks! Who would take her family to picnics and amusement parks. Who would take her family to a trip abroad during the summer. Who would love her family with all of her heart and soul.

I still have a lot of dreams... some I've already dreamed about and some I would still have to dream of the moment I close my eyes.

who did you want to be,

~tSin

Going to Meetings Without Doing Any Meeting.

A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent
to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world.
~Charles and Ann Morse

What I thought would be a difficult task came in really e-a-s-y. Yeah, easy as adding icing to a mini cup cake! And it’s intricately complex to be writing some reminiscence about younger years with my grandmother while listening to Gym Class Heroes’ Cookie Jar. Couldn’t really get enough of that song once it starts playing!

Before I start blabbering all about Gym Class Heroes and how wonderful and easy to the ears their songs are plus how cute Travie McCoy is… Let me go straight to the purpose of this piece today.

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll already have an idea what I’m up to. Yes! I am now on day 4… so 26 days more to go? That’s still a long way, but hey, I know I will make it. I know I will. I WILL. Anyhoo, day 4 is for a letter to a sibling or a closest relative. I chose to write for two people who I terribly miss: my grandmother and my younger sister. Both are still walking the sweet surface of the earth (THANKFULLY!) with so much gusto and unparalleled sturdiness, it’s impossible for them to get lost completely.

Ever since our grandmother left us due to a fight with the mom that seems to be irrevocable – since any attempt to bring Lola back home has remained futile – I have been missing her suddenly intolerably. I realized the moment she went away how I took her for granted while she was away; how I never listened to her because I only wanted to do what I wanted; how I see her as the most annoying antagonist in my life’s drama because she always seem to have this invisible list of things that I can and cannot do; how I hated her at times because she couldn’t stop nagging at my late grandfather (who was really adorable!), mom and uncle and my dad (behind his back), and of course, my siblings and me. I realized the moment she went away that I’ve actually lost a friend, after all she was the only person in my family whom I could talk to about anything, yes, even boyfriends and I did get a handful of pretty good and useful advices from her. I remember our chikas of her younger days and how she met my lolo and their love story. I remember how I made her run after me because I signed our lot title with crayola – clearly vandalism. She really took care of me and my siblings like we were her own children. She loved us dearly although there were really times when she was very strict, but of course that was with a very good cause. I miss her. I really do, didn’t I already tell? But now I’m not even sure anymore if she’s ever going back because my mom is also not doing anything to make amends with lola. Super L

I sent her a letter months ago, asking begging for her to come back home. But she didn’t send any reply. I never heard a word from her, well except for text messages from my cousin on the 5^th day of the month reminding me for lola’s money. Ppft. If only she comes back home, everything would be a lot easier.

Because I couldn't find a decent picture of my grandmother.
Make do of this. She absolutely abhors being photographed!
So there's her silhouette, peeking out, baby sitting my younger sister:
Ang (not the one I'm talking about here).

Lola,

You are the best that lola anybody could ever have and the most beautiful one because you love without pretense. You care and sacrifice without expecting anything in return. You have sacrificed enough and I am very thankful of that. You have helped a lot in molding me to become the person that I am now. Your presence surely made a big difference in my life. I really couldn’t thank you enough. My words will only fail me.

I hope you come back home ASAP. Christmas is almost here and I don’t want to spend another Christmas without you L So please, please, please come back home and let’s all be merry and happy and face the challenges together.

I love you , ‘La!

P.S.

~*~

Taken on the day of her birthday.
How I wish she could've stayed as cute and innocent as this.
She's become totally an opposite of her nickname :|

As for the letter to my sister… I don’t want to give out too many details on that because it’s not very pleasant and they better be left as such. I just wish though that she wakes up one day from this really bad dream she’s bringing to herself and to everybody else. Otherwise, she’d be ruined eventually. And I really don’t want that to happen. She’s still my sister after all and I always pray that she be strong to fight off all the demons that will come her way.

it's better we stop pretending,

~tSin

His Name Was Alexander.

I'm supposed to be writing an article today about some tar sands producer in the western part of Canada or so I think, but good old migraine is getting in the way. I've already taken a reliable dose of Medicol Advance, I'm just waiting now for it to go away.

Migraine, migraine go away.
Little Tsinny wants to play write.

It didn't rhyme, but let's move on.

That was actually three days ago! Yes, I started this three days ago hoping that I could finish it by then.

Moving on, I'm all good now except that I'm feeling slightly feverish. Well, at least I'm sure I won't be going down the dirty road to sore eyes because it seems like everybody has it these days! God forbid! Aside from the threatening fever, my knees are also jittery! Because... I think I just heard an Indian chant or something from a very close (mockery intended) Indian client of ours.

Anyhoo...

*drum roll*

I'm finally done with the 3rd day letter: to the Parents :) Hoorah to me! Hoorah!

Writing this letter did make me feel very, very nostalgic even though I'm already in my twenty's and still living under the same roof with them and sometimes, sharing the same bed, too! Our family has really been through a lot of challenges and tough times as in ala MMK, but we still manage somehow to live normal lives. And though there have been numerous black holes I am proud to have come out of them alive and stronger. With all of those trials, there is one thing that I've learned and gained that no other experience could ever give me and that would be that things do happen for a reason. Such a cliche, but very, very true! Especially for me!

When our family went into the dark ages of our lifetime, I was very angry to the world. I asked God, like any other man who faces a tragedy, why it had to happen to us. We were so perfect. I had the best parents in the world although I wasn't usually close to my mother. I could get everything I wanted and needed by just merely asking and showering my father, who adores me like no other, with hugs and kisses. I was born with the world underneath my flaky feet, but I lost it all -- we lost it all -- without any glory at all. In fact, stripping us off of our dignity and making us suffer with shame for years.

But I've moved on from that. I believe that it ought to happen to change me wholly. I believe that my destiny shouldn't be affected by my parents' doings. I believe that I could change my life if I want to without putting the blame to my folks. And that it is never right to allow people to define my being through their judgment of my parents. Yes, I came from them and they gave me my life, but I am entirely different from them. I am not my parents. I am me. I have the power to build my own dreams and make my own choices.

I have forgiven them, too, especially my father. For what is moving on without forgiveness, right?

Here's my letter to my parents. Freshly scanned. You can click the photos for a bigger image and see if you can read my ugly-duckling handwriting :)





I am different names to different people,

~tSin

P.S.

Alexander? Is my prep-school crush! *blush*

I Am Telling You Now What I Forgot to Tell You The Last Time

Look at me

I've got bangs! =)

Yes! And that's what I forgot to tell you guys the last time I posted something here! So there posting another highlight of mine for this year on Christmas day! How do you like my hair now? Haha!Oh before I totally lose myself with narcissistic indulgence... let me say once again a Happy Christmas to everyone!

Btw, I just finished watching Sex and the City and I must say that it is now one of my favoritest movie ever! =) And partly cuz of that movie I was inspired to write The Boyfriend a love-letter-turned-out-getting-off-some-heavy-weight-thoughts-off-my-chest! I hope he wouldn't mind!

finding some party,

-tSin

You're A Grown Addiction That I Can't Deny.

There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain
~Seal, Kiss From A Rose

11.23.09 | 19:41:54 | and tell me what's healthy baby

I will always remember that very first day I saw you. Who would've known we'd come this far? Nobody ever believed... it was all a joke they said. That you and me we could never be... I was out of your league and so were you out of mine. I will always remember how I've denied wanting you, liking you, and seeing this day with you and yet it has happened. You and me... here and now and forever. It's boy meets girl and all the other complicated things sandwiched in and we can bury them all, really. Forget the past and walk hand in hand with me to meet the future.


I love you. I love the way you hold my hand and the way you look at me. I love never letting go of thoughts of you. I love how much I've changed [for the better, of course] from the day I met you. I love the way you kiss my back with those soft lips of yours. I love the smell of your breath. I love waking up beside you everytime. I love how your fingers brush my hair and the way you tell me how good they smell! :) I love your hair, too. I love your way of making me laugh and annoying and appeasing me all at the same time. I love how you encourage me to be rational and logical in most situations. I love it when you make me wait and make the waiting worth it. I love your way of putting me to sleep - those prayers... your gratefulness for the gift of rest. I love the way you love me. And I swear, as I always tell you and I will never get tired of reminding you, that I really have never felt this way before. Please, my love, stay for as long as you can... and I will do the same. Muah!

Thank you soo much for coming into my life my love. I just realized... I couldn't live without you. What took you so long to find me? Doesn't matter... I am all yours now. :)

with all my love,

~noj2x

And Here is Where You Will Find Me When I'm No Longer There.

"I will hold on until there is no more reason to.

And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun."

~I Wrote This For You

Whenever I run out of words to say... you help me out. Seems like you always have the right words to say at the right time. Keep on keeping on @Pleasefindthis =) You are truly inspiring a lot just so you know ;)


i'm now one of your biggest fans,

-tSin

The Breakup Song.

You don't know me
And you don't even care
She said you don't know me
And you don't wear my chains
~Augustana, Boston

08.27.09 | 10:10:18 | bitter cuz you're uninvited

Dear Dr W.B.

Hi it's me. Do you remember me? I guess you do. I don't think you are that old to forget just yet and besides it's only been a month and a week since the last time you saw me. You do remember me. I was that girl who sent you an SMS for help with a very big hope that you will be able to revive me. Guess what, Doc? You did revive me. Thank you so much.

So Doc, you're probably wondering why I am writing to you today. It may seem odd really, but I do feel like writing you would be the most appropriate thing to tell everything if not partly the things that I have been keeping from you. Yesterday, The Boyfriend reminded me that we are due to meet you this coming Saturday. I was perplexed. Oh don't get me wrong Doc, it's not that I don't want to see you because I don't like you or you have bad breath or your office seems to be too small for you and your patients... It's just that, honestly with all honesty, I am never comfortable with talking about things that bother me. You're really ok and all and I like you as much as The Boyfriend does and that if only I weren't the patient I'd look forward to every time I'd meet you, but that's just not my case. I find it really awkward to be sitting there in front of you, holding my breath as you'd run to your list of questions to check on me. If you want to know about that guy whom you really think triggered everything that has happened, for the nth time Doc, we're ok. We're good. We're very good friends just like before. As for my dad staying with us, I take back what I said, I'm happy he's back with us. Now we already have fences surrounding our house - thanks to Pop we now have a deep feeling of security and privacy plus I have been gaining weight with all of the yummyness of his cookings. As for my family, they're still the same, I'm still the same with them. I still wake up with my P500 lost from my wallet that's been tucked in safely, I thought, with me. My mom still couldn't help depending on me for some of the financial stuff as though I am a money-mill. My siblings remain to be ungrateful or I'm just probably sleeping too much. I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter as I always tell you because I love them and they mean the world to me that no matter what they do, no matter how many times they break my heart or steal take my money they will still be my family. I still wouldn't exchange them for anything at all. NO. As for my job, there are times that I feel unhappy because I feel like I am in a standstill and I don't understand why. Probably because I've been doing the same thing all over again -- all routine finally losing its magic. Although I am not thinking of finding another job or moving to a different position... I am not satisfied as well of what or where I am now, career-wise. Strange, but I'm too lazy to even move a muscle. It's sad. I am doing every possible way to ignore the thought though and I have been convincing myself crazy that I love my job (which is really true) and that I am enjoying every moment (not really every) of it!

I am also looking forward to going back to school by the opening of the next semester on October or November. I know it's going to add much load to my daily living and I'm not sure if it's going to be a good or bad thing... I think it should be both. Good thing because finally I'd be back to school and will finally finish my course in psychology. Bad because I've been used to be sleeping the whole day mostly after work ever since I came back from my fateful two weeks of medication I don't think I'd be able to stay up for another three or more hours especially with the burning heat. I could just wish for now the acs in the classroom would work full blast to appease me! Otherwise, I'd be running away and I'd be back to being an OSY.

Moving on Doc, I want to assure you that I am now 101% ok. I am back to my old self, I think even better because I am now more in control with my emotions and my reactions to the world and to the people around me. And btw, I have stopped drinking the medicines that you have prescribed me because they make me feel sleepy all of the time. There was even this one time when I was almost tempted to stay home sick again, I seriously needed to cut off the meds. No, I am not trying to prove anything at all Doctor, I just want to be drug-independent and not that there's anything about me that I need to prove anyway. Ok, maybe just a bit. Human pride, Doc. It partly makes us alive. So there. What I am trying to say is that I don't want anymore to have talking sessions with you. I'm really sorry but it's just really awkward and you've started asking me for a PF, you never did before, didn't you? Now, I am curious... what made you do so? And also, I would like to ask you to stop prescribing me the meds already. The yellow one just tastes like rust really and it makes me feel degraded every time I take them. Please Doctor? You've done a very good job on reviving me and I could never thank you enough, but please just release me and make me live normally again. PLEASE!

Nevertheless, I would like to thank you for being soooo, so, so patient with me! For talking to me even though I was very unresponsive to the point of not even recognizing what you were blabbering about. For not charging too much. For being really nice. For believing in me because if you didn't I might already be stuck in the asylum now. For putting "Insomnia" as your diagnosis of me instead of putting there the truth - I know you really are concern of my welfare as well as my career. For comforting my family, The Boyfriend and his family in the times when I couldn't anymore comfort them. For praying for me, I know you really did. I will never ever forget you and I will always remember you to be that man who talked me out of madness not the Doctor who gave me piles of RX for the medication. Yes, it was you and your belief in me that cured me not the medications. Thank you so much Doctor.


in whichever name you'd know me,

-tSin