I Am an Animal Trapped in Your Hot Car

Oh God! Forgive me for I do not know where I am going.

Sometimes, I'd wake up in the middle of the night thinking - out of nowhere - what I ever got to do with my life. 

I've been pressured to do the right things...

I've been pushed to my limits...

I've sacrificed some just to fulfill...

MY DREAMS.

And funny enough, I don't even know what my dream really is.

Or what I want to do with my life.

I'm too good in telling people to be patient, to pray, to follow their hearts, and telling them that good things do come to those who wait. But I could hardly do that myself. Makes me think that it's never as easy to practice what you preach because we definitely got different roads to travel and choices to make. 

I am a ghost in a ghost town.

I don't want too much.

I only want to travel the world - probably 50 cities or more before I could reach 50.

I want to have enough money to spend on the things that I merely want, not just need.

I want to teach, but I honestly don't want to go back to school anymore. I'm afraid of the thesis.

I really, really, am afraid of it. How silly of me!

I want my papa and mama to be better. To get well from whatever illness that's got them.

I want to be stable - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I want to move on and completely forget the past - I need those darkened episodes to be erased from my memory.

I want to stop blowing off smokes of negativity.

I want to be myself and not be sorry for it.

I want to inspire people, touch their lives and make a difference.

BUT...
I am too lazy.

I am a coward.

I am too afraid to reach out and also to open up.

I don't want too much, yes. But as you can see I could really ask too much.

Gah! If only Google Maps could show me where I should go to exactly...

It would be way, way easier... wouldn't it?

Anyhoo...

Let me leave you with this before I drown myself more into the perils of my eternal conundrum on this subject.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

~in thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

I got this from Paulo Coelho's tweet. And I was like... "WHOAH! Perfect timing!"

Tomorrow, I shall know what I am doing in this world.
If not tomorrow or if not ever...
I am definitely hoping that I have done at least one thing in my life that pleased God.

sucking it up,

~tSin