I'm Not Locked Up Here With You. You're Locked Up Here With Me.

This is where I say I've had enough

and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.

~Dashboard Confessional, Saints and Sailors

07.17.09 | 06:39:12 | a walking open wound

I don't know if I'm anxious or just feigning anxiety or just really lame like that. Something very significant and important to me is going to happen middle of next week - I am both excited and afraid at the same time and I couldn't explain why. There's also the weekend coming up and I sure am excited for that because I'm itching to party or go clubbing somewhere in the city. I think if anyone would text me on that day inviting me out for the night (or dusk to dawn) I'd probably go in a heartbeat no matter who he, she, or they are! I just really want to go hit the club, LIKE REALLY WANT!

Yesterday, we went to a funeral of a friend's friend who died about two weeks ago. Her death was devastatingly sudden and I think that it has really left most of her friends with a broken heart because she left them (again) so suddenly, even without a warning. I could see that my friend Gelou who's probably been friends with Sue for years is really affected by what happened. I don't know what really the story is, but what I do know is that they were on an out of town trip together with some other friends when Sue finally checked out, basically complaining about stomach pain and vomiting in between the trip. Who would've known that it would be the last time that they'd be together? I could just imagine. It must've been very painful to be there during the last minutes of her short life; to be there by her side and just that and only to be wishing that God may give her a second chance by breathing life into her again. I'm sure her friends couldn't help wishing they had some superpowers to bring her back again. Oh the life of man, we really don't know what will happen. No wonder most of us dread death so much cuz oftentimes it gets us at the time when we think that everything, as in everything, is doing good and perfect - like rain pouring hard just when you decided to leave your umbrella at home because the sun outside is shining and smiling to the world with all its deceiving glory!

Monday night, an Iranian plane carrying 168 people crashed just minutes after taking off from Tehran. We were watching the news with my father and he said, "Tsk. Bisag unsaon gyud og amping sa tao kung oras na nila mao na gyud." (No matter how one takes care of himself if the time comes for him to go he really has to go.) Very true. This brings me back to the times when I had this really late graveyard shift at about one in the morning and our place is like an hour from the city where I'm working. I had to leave the house at quarter to midnight so I won't be late and would have to go to really dark streets and not to mention even ride jeepneys (unfortunately, cuz we don't have a car) with drunken men in them. People - my family (especially my overly concerned grandma), friends, and colleagues - couldn't help asking me if I ever get afraid of roaming the city all by myself on those dreadful hours of night. And I would simply tell them "NO." I didn't know I was supposed to be afraid and personally, I believe that if the time comes for me it will come and as my granny would jokingly tell us: "Die today, die tomorrow... same die!" She's got a point, right. Everyone dies, so what's the point of making a big fuss on death? I'd rather live my life the way I should: party hard, teach and learn, get hurt, make friends, try something new now and then, live, love, laugh real hard until my stomach hurts, be not afraid of anything but God. I wouldn't want to waste my time sulking over things that I couldn't change (although, I might want to take a break from the high life every now and then to introspect of course!)

While I was sitting there on one of the phews in church, listening to Sue's friends and family give their last messages for her, I couldn't help reflecting myself. What if I die today or now? Will I be proud to say that I've lived my life to the fullest and haven't wasted any time? Tears fell from my eyes and I tried to stop them because I wasn't sure if the tears were for Sue or for me because when I closed my eyes I saw something else: I saw myself in Sue's place - cold and heartbeatless. It's really strange and disturbing how I could vividly see myself inside a casket than in a wedding gown. I couldn't help wondering how it would be to die, to be leaving everything and everyone. I think it would be really sad. I wonder if I could attend my own funeral. I wonder if they could play some Taking Back Sunday songs during the service. I wonder what my friends or my family would say... "Farewell, Tsin, rest in peace! Don't ever go back cuz we're definitely better off here without you!" I wonder if I have ever made a mark or a difference to somebody's life. Sheesh... I have to let go of these crazy thoughts... I will find out someday.

Oh, I also remember, and this one's really funny. My siblings and I went to a Catholic school that never fails to encourage us everyday to be good, to become modern saints and back then I must admit that I was really a brat but not a bully. I couldn't categorize myself as somebody who can be really saintly and all as well... Being good was too much for me, I have to exert effort just to be nice and it was just much easier to be bad! I have hurt people and lied and everything and everytime I would realize this I'd say that I will change for the good already but everytime as well I just lose my temper and flare up and bottom line is that I'm just the same person! Then I would say to myself that maybe I could just be a little good and when I die I'll just have to negotiate it with St Peter or God so that I can go to heaven! Hahah! Even when I was a kid I already had those silly, crazy ideas. Tsk.

Well, probably, it's time I start living this credo?

God made me - I WAS NO ACCIDENT.

I was in God's plan

And he doesn't make junk - ever!

I was born to be a successful human being,

I am somebody special - unique,

Definitely onoe of a kind and I love me.

That is essential so that I might love you, too.

I have talents, potentials, yes.

There is a greatness in me, and

If I harness that specialness

Then I will write my name with my deeds...

I was born in God's image and likeness

And I will strive to do God's will.

That right there is perfect consolation for the insecurities that sometimes try to take over my being, coaxing me not to go on when I pass through the crumpled roads of life. I am no accident, but if I am an accident I might have been the greatest accident the world has ever encountered. =) And damn, the critics! Oh actually, thanks to the critics they just make my life more exciting! You make the world go round but not as round as true friends do! As to Sue, may you rest in peace! I know, by this time, you're already hand in hand with God!

*cheers*,

~tSin