The Queen of Promise

Into your eyes

Hopeless and taken

We stole our new lives

Through blood and pain

In defense of our dreams

~30 Seconds to Mars, Kings and Queens

05.01.10 | 01:56:49 | regrets turning to smoke

What are you afraid of?

Is the question that's running in my mind right now... well, except for the seemingly never-ending backtracking of 30 Seconds to Mars' song inside my head with an occasional interruption of Charice's now annoying song - Pyramid (sure it was good the first three times I heard it - but now it really has gone from good to annoying and I have a bad feeling it's going to turn out to be the next national anthem of the country. That would suck: BIG TIME!) Anyway, I am not going to apologize anymore for being M.I.A too long -- it has become more of an excuse for being lazy or for simply not being able to think straight these days. I haven't even posted the photos which I have promised to post from the last blog and honestly, I really don't want to post it anymore cuz it's just waaaayyyy too overdue it's embarrassing to still be posting it after a month of not doing so! I'll let it be... anyhooser, if you're following me somewhere else, like say, Twitter or Facebook -- you'll definitely know what's going on with me and where I've been hanging out lately. Nothing very überly exciting like finally trying out the wonderful art of skydiving or me learning how to do ballet or play the piano though but they are those experiences I'm taking to my memory treasure box forever.

Actually, I've got a lot of things I want to say today, but I don't know where to start. There's just been a lot of stuff going in my life lately and they're slowly crowding my mind and eating half of my chest. It used to be so easy to just write about the things that bother me, but now I don't know why it's too hard to even get a single thought out of my almost frigid mind. Hmpft. It's really frustrating I must say. I don't understand... there are a lot of things I don't understand. I don't know if I'm tired or if I wanna do something else. I don't know if I am happy or if could be happier one day. I know though that this is just another phase I'm passing through in life - but heck, why am I passing it in a very slow almost dragging manner?! It's killing me. Sometimes I am saddened by the fact that I've got friends and yet can't share to them openly what I'm really feeling or going through... maybe because I am ashamed to do so. Maybe because I know that they too have their own problems to worry about and I couldn't add more burden to their loads. However, sometimes I really don't ask or need too much... Sometimes, I just need someone to talk to, someone who will listen to me, someone who probably doesn't have the best advice or solution, but someone who understands me and my ordeal. Some months ago I've come to a realization and somehow I've made this realization as sort of my own creed and it is to "learn to be happy without depending on others (especially men)". Because if we depend on others we'll never learn to strive for our own good and we will just end up disappointed and broken because those people we've depended on will eventually or somehow, in one way or another, fail us. It's sad but I think that's how the world is and should be. It's never been fair - I've tried to battle that fact but to no avail. Even justice doesn't mean fairness to everyone. It's pathetic, right? But that's how it's got to be. And maybe you're wondering why the ever-trusting and friendly me suddenly turned doubtful about everything and everyone. This is because my friend, also some months ago, a person whom I thought was a friend and actually whom I considered to be one of my closest friends at work told me in my face that I am and has never been a friend and probably never will. I was dumbfounded when I heard it from her own lips, mouthing the words as though they were daggers being thrown straight to my heart. I was terribly hurt and couldn't look at her for a while. Yes, it has been some months ago prolly a couple of months, but everytime I see her and as much as I want to just forget she ever said that, I just couldn't help wondering where everything went wrong. And everytime this happens, I would just tell myself that hey, maybe she just has her own twisted definition of friendship. It's really weird. I couldn't get over it. Until now. It breaks my heart everytime I would relive that one moment she tainted my own definition of friendship or being friends. I don't think I could even get over it ever. It was sort of traumatic. I used to be really forgiving and considerate... I'm not saying that I am not anymore... it's just that I might now have a hard time trusting new people who will come by me. And I think as I've already might have mentioned, I can't even talk to my friends anymore about what I'm going through or just about anything. I am afraid of judgment, of shallow relationships, of here-today-and-gone-tomorrows, of being so comfortable with someone and finding out the next moment that you're not even close to being an acquaintance. I'm really sorry. I hope you never get to read this. But if ever you do... it is for you now to decide where we stand. I can be as civil as civil can be. I might not even show how hurt I am, but believe me I really am. And I don't think there's even going to be a way to save me from this new idea I've forcedly learned to embrace. It is unfortunate I know... as for now I really don't have a remedy for this. I don't think I would ever be healed from this fall that so wounded my heart.

I am afraid of losing my friends, the people I love, but I am more afraid of losing myself... the second time around. I might not anymore be able to take it... I might not anymore want to be found.

I thought I've forgotten,

-tSin